As I sit and watch Tripp sleep (he is on the couch, probably because he took a nice Sunday Afternoon nap and couldn’t sleep), I am thankful to see the blankets move up and down, he’s breathing.  We thank God every day for life and breath.  My devotions today spoke of thankfulness and if we are thankful for the things in our lives, we will not have as much room for worrying or complaining nor our own pity parties.  The more we acknowledge Christ for the things we are thankful for, the closer we will grow to Him.

Life is often not fair, there are parents that don’t get to see their child breathing any longer, there are children that lost their parents when they were young.  There are those who just try and try and can’t get ahead, there are those who are at a point in their lives where they are waiting to join their Savior, patiently.  Whatever stage of life that you are in, learn to be thankful no matter what.

Thanksgiving is coming quickly, and yes we are looking forward to family and pie, and mashed potatoes, but we are also thankful for a holiday celebrates what God has done for us.  Throughout all of the busyness and the preparations, say thanks for the little things to prepare your hearts for when the big things come- only then will you be able to “consider trials all joy”.

I Thessalonians 5: 16-18 (NASB) “ Rejoice Always, Pray without ceasing, In everything give thanks, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and our God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God”. (NASB)

My devotions this morning, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, talked about being a channel that someone will be able to know God.  In my Coffee Break Bible Study Group where we are studying the book of Mark, we talked about being the seed that is planted, that God waters.  Sometimes we need to be vulnerable, to share what we are going through so that someone else will be blessed or given comfort or courage, or to plant the seed of faith that only God can grow.

I recently had the opportunity to encourage another momma who has started the same journey we began in 2017 with Tripp.  I could have chosen to say, “everyone’s story is different and she’ll figure it out” but instead I let her know I was available.  It brings up not so great memories, but it is worth it to give her some encouragement.  Peace is something she really needs, but that can be only found in Christ.  If I can be that channel, I want to make sure I have it right, that I am in tune with my God before I can encourage someone else.

I don’t want to be the broken puzzle piece- you know that puzzle piece that falls off the table and the dog gets?  The one that is so badly sogged and distorted by the crawling toddler, the one that falls in the air vent?  A puzzle that cannot be complete is not worth modge-podging (those who grew up in the early 2000’s), and thus no fun to put together.  The only solution is to throw it away.  No, I don’t want to be the piece that is thrown away, but more importantly I don’t want to be the piece that causes the community or people around me to say, “It’s not worth it”, and decide that because God didn’t work for me, that they don’t see the value.  I don’t want to be the broken puzzle piece that causes someone to put aside their thoughts on God.

That’s a lot of pressure.  The community could be my children, my husband; it could be teachers in school, anyone that reads my CaringBridge posts, anyone I interact with on a daily or weekly basis.  How can I as a fallible individual ever hold to that pressure?

Only by acknowledging that I need to daily ask for God’s help and that I receive His Grace when I screw up, and by His mercy, may it not destroy the puzzle around me.

Sitting in the quiet morning of my 37^th birthday, I am reflecting on my life so far. God has given me so much, a husband who loves me, a home, sweet boys that I get to love, and so much more.  I am blessed.  There is so much that I wish I didn’t have, like the extra weight around my middle, my creaking ankles, but also I wish that the last two years were not filled up with the c-word.  The last two years of Tripp’s life have been surrounded around that word, that fear, that thing.  It has consumed us too, as much as we try to not let it.  So as much as I am thankful for what God has given me, I really wish he didn’t give me this.

But He Did.

So what am I going to do about it?  I am going to trust, trust that God’s got this,  I am going to live each day, one after another, celebrating the life that God has given me and my family.  I am going to not live in fear of the cancer, or the treatments that drop his numbers so low; I am going to live in hope.  Perfect love drives out fear.  I am going to love like crazy, to be the best mom I can be.  When God gives me the words I am going to write, write about what God has done for me and my family.

I am not going to mope!

I could sit and feel sorry for myself, what I would probably do if we did not have the support of the community and family.  We have been given the resources to live yet, to not eat peanut butter and jelly for every meal (although it’s not a bad idea), so we have the ability to have fun yet, to be like everyone else, and buy baseball clothes…  We have been blessed with many opportunities that we would not have otherwise had, help us to remember what has been given to us and be grateful.

No Fear; Only Hope

“For God did not give us the spirit of fear, but power and sound mind” 2 Timothy 1:7.  God does not want us to cower to the devil, he wants us to stand bold, stand strong in our faith as a pillar to others.  It’s not easy, but the mind is very powerful.  Believing that God’s got this is a conscious decision every day.  My hope is anchored in the one who controls the world, so when I fear a bruise or pale lips, I remember that I am not in control, that this is God’s story, I’m just here to tell about it.

Really?  Is it?  Growing up I heard this line often, but thought it was just an excuse my parents gave because they could not afford to purchase us many presents.  Let me tell you, unwrapping socks did not make receiving very blessed, so it must be true, thought my childhood mind.

Although my parents did not have much, they would give the shirt off their backs, so to speak.  Sometimes they were taken advantage of, but they let it roll off their shoulders.  When I asked them about this, they said that it was because they did their part, giving to those who needed, and that what the recipient did with it was up to them and God.

Recently, I was approached by a friend whose family combines funds, what they are able, and takes turns giving the treasure to someone who is in need.  Whomever’s turn it is gets to pick the recipient and bless that person or family.  This friend was wondering if I knew of anyone who might be in need, as it seemed I was more attuned to those that might need help.  This was a nice compliment, however, I was stuck!  I could not think of anyone right away, and was reprimanding myself that I had become so closed into myself and my family that I was not aware of the needs around me.  In addition to not knowing many that might be in need, I did the very thing that I was afraid others would do to me.

When Tripp was going through chemotherapy someone gifted us an amount of money to be used for something fun.  These things are very visible and I am always afraid that someone is going to judge me.  Many, many people, through fundraisers, T-shirt sales, and other monetary gifts helped fill an account to help pay for medical bills, and any other bills that were incurred due to time off for hospital visits, prescription costs, meals on the road, etc.  They do not know about the gift designated towards fun, and they don’t need to know, however, then I should not be afraid of being judged.  I started thinking of someone in need, but started going through reasons why that person did not deserve help.  Things such as, “they don’t make wise choices” or “they are going to use it for ill gain” or “there is someone else that might need it more”.  I started judging the way that I did not want to be judged.

Ultimately, God put in my mind someone that might need assistance, and I was able to move past judgement.  By saying that is is more blessed to give than receive, it is not just the physical act of giving someone something, but the lessons that God teaches through the process.  Proverbs 18:16 states that “A gift opens the way and ushers the giver into the presence of the great.”  Everything we have is not ours; when we open up our heart to give, of our time, or agendas or our money, our heart door is open to receive in God’s presence.  And His presence you will know!

True giving is giving without expecting anything in return.  True giving is giving even when it hurts.  True giving is giving because you have allowed God to use you to bless someone else.  “If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing” (I Corinthians 13:3). God asks us to give according to what we are able.  It is easy to say, “someone else has more than I do, they can contribute” or “I need every penny right now” however God will take even the penny’s- and He will multiply them many times over.

I have seen so many title headings, read lots of essays, asked a lot of questions to wise people, but I can’t find the answer to what I am supposed to do with my life.  So many say that what I am doing right now is what I am supposed to be doing, working full time at a manufacturer, being a mom, being a wife, volunteering for youth group.  But why do I feel unsettled?  When Chad got a job as a youth pastor, I got a job in the secular world- its the way it worked.  I have kept that role in order to provide insurance for my family.  I feel stuck.  I have prayed about this for many many years, and I guess God is still telling me, just wait.  I don’t like it.

There is a song by Shane and Shane, “I want to yearn for you, I want feel the passion, for you”  If I could, I would sit in worship and study all day.  I want to teach my boys more about Jonah, I want to share what I have learned from the study of scripture.  When I was ‘home’ with Tripp for three months, I was not consumed with the drama, the challenges, the daily grind at my work, and my mind was free to just trust, worship.  I didn’t have to worry if I was doing my job right, because I don’t feel like I have it wrong when I am doing my job of being a child of God.  Ok, maybe I do feel like I’ve got it wrong when I don’t feel content about what I am supposed to be doing.  I have been taught that I am supposed to be content where I am at, so I feel guilty every time I ask God, “What do you want from me.”

I have been doing a lot deeper searching, and found that I like to create.  I like to make something, or fix something.  I like to make things look beautiful.  I fulfill that desire by making bread, or making a meal for someone.  I fulfill that desire by remodeling my house, or dreaming of what I would do.  I fulfill that desire by writing.  I have searched deeply for what God has called me to do, but I have never written my thoughts down.

Do I live a life worthy of God’s work?  If someone looked at me, or listened to me, would they say, “now that’s a girl that loves Jesus”?  Sometimes I feel if I could hide at home,  I would not be tempted to gossip or be bitter.  But I am reminded that Satan would find someway to test and taught me no matter where I am at.  I Thess 4:11; “Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: you should mind your own business and work with your hands..”  Can I do this in the work place?  Can I do this where ever I am at?  Lord Help me!

Ephesians 4:1 NIV “As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.”  I am living my life, in the way I know best, but I do not feel like I am doing what I am supposed to, am I not living my life worthy of my calling?  What is it?   Phrases like “Bloom where you are planted” and “God does not call the able, he calls the willing” leave me with frustration and guilt. I want to be open to His calling when it happens, but my life is not- there are to many circumstances that require a paycheck and insurance.  I feel like I can’t ‘drop my nets’ and follow Jesus, learning from Him.  I feel guilt that I have lived my life in such a way that I am not free to drop everything for the Lord- that I have to much stuff to pay for.  If I was living more simply, I could just drop everything and go- I wish it was really that simple.

So, I am supposed to wait, I am to “Bloom where I am planted and wait for the Lord”  God’s timing is perfect.  He is preparing me for what he has planned.  Right now I need to be content, live the life that God has given me.  Moses grew up in such a way that when the time was ready, God could use him for his specific purpose.  If I’m waiting, knowing that God is preparing me, it makes going to work every day a little easier.

Yet I still feel so unsettled…

Darlene Brouwer Jacobsen
December 30, 1935 – October 26, 2017

Today my Great Aunt Darlene is being laid to rest. Continue reading →

Leftovers. We don’t eat a lot of them, so I learned to prepare meals in smaller or broken portions in order not to waste. However, some meals, you have left overs no matter what. That is what the freezer is for- as long as you remember to pull them back out and use again before it gets freezer burn.
I love to cook, I love to bake, I love to be what my husband calls me, Mrs. Betty Crocker. I learned most of this from my mother. As a mother of 7 children, she cooked, canned, froze, and baked almost everything we ate. She even ground the flour from whole wheat. I may not have appreciated all the work back then, but I do appreciate all that I learned now, and get to use in my own home.
Do I have time for this, no, not really. It just means I don’t sit until everyone is in bed. Is it worth it? If I could get my seven-year-old to eat and enjoy what I make, YES! In the meantime, I am rewarded by the “mmmm”s from my eldest son and his dad- who may have a little competition of who can say “Thanks for supper” first.
We had a friend over for supper the other night who, when I tried to send the leftovers home with him, was shocked that we didn’t eat left overs. “You are to blessed” that’s what” were the words he used. I just grinned and agreed, but my mind started going in overdrive. He’s right! I know of people that will eat one casserole for 5 days straight- and I can’t hardly eat last night’s dinner tonight.
“Count your blessings name them one by one, count your blessings see what God has done”
We are a pretty average family. Not a whole lot of extra beyond paying the bills and maybe a little fun. We are clothed well, partly thanks to Nana, and a little Dutch shopping, and we have food on the table. We are ‘rich’ in the worlds standards, so rich in fact that we don’t eat the leftovers. ( Part of it is diet planning! We drink meal shakes for lunch, then a bigger meal for supper.) There are weekends though that I clean out the fridge and have to throw a lot of food away.
When I go to a concert and hear the artist describe what they have seen in the countries, that have touched their hearts so much that they try to find sponsorships for the children, its easy to shrug your shoulders and think, “I don’t go to Starbucks everyday- I don’t have extra money laying around” but then we go to the movies and eat popcorn that we would pay for eight of those days. It honestly is amazing when you put that ‘$/day’ child in your budget, how the money always seems to be there and then some.
So often we give God our “leftovers.” The change left in our pockets from Saturday night events, or a few minutes to quick say a prayer, praying for a good day, and running out the door. We falter to create a feast for our God-the time He asks us to spend with Him or what we give to Him. Instead, we think of God’s food by saying “We’ll eat it later” with every good intention, then we get busy and get Pizza Ranch instead- or a good book. Psalm 1:2-3; “But his delight is in the law off the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season and its leave does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers.” The time spent in God’s word will return two-fold.
Whether you love leftovers, or tolerate them, the next time you are deciding what to do with them, do a check. Are you giving God your leftovers, or do you ‘Feast’ with Him?

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