Matthew 13: 45-46 (NASB)

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking fine pearls,  and upon finding one pearl of great value, he went and sold all that he had and bought it.”

Can I give up everything that I have in order to seek the kingdom of heaven or that one pearl of great value? What is the definition of the kingdom of heaven or the pearl in this story? Is it a job, house, possessions, family, friends, spirituality, religion, or specifically your relationship with Jesus?  How much of our lives are compartmentalized into God’s time and me ‘time’.  Yes, God, I will serve you in these specific ways, but then I get my own personal time to do what I want to do?  How do you decide what is God’s time, and what is my time?  Can my time be God’s time?

What does it really mean to be ‘all in’?  What does it mean to give up the standards that this world calls comfortable living, to live so simply that you do not feel comfortable around wealth? What does it mean to measure everything purchased, including clothing and groceries against what could be given to the Lord?  I must admit I have no idea. To live according to standards set by our society, each spouse must bring in an income. Children are left to their own devices (literally) so that parents can accomplish the standards expected of them. Yes, God, I give you a specific amount in the offering plate, but the rest is mine to do with what I please- after all, I earned it- I deserve this.  How can I possibly be ‘all in’ and still accomplish what is expected of me?

I often think of escaping the rigors of life by going to live in a cabin in the woods, to live off of the land and live simply, but why do I have to make this kind of drastic change in order to be closer to God?  Can I do this in my house on 15^th Street?  What do I need to eliminate from my life in order to be “all in”?  What do I need to add?  Do I need to do anything?  What does God expect of us?

I know these are not ‘normal’ thoughts and it causes me distress, but I want so desperately to live my life according to how God wants me to live it; the job that He wants me to work at. I am going through some major life changes right now as I complete my studies for a degree I have no idea how I am going to use it.  Sometimes I feel like Noah, doing something crazy and out of the box that seems senseless.  How can I use this degree to be ‘all in’? Now is when I need to be spending time in the Word, seeking God’s will for my life- but how?  How do I begin?  How do I get ‘all in’ when there is laundry to fold, a house to clean, supper to cook?  Is that part of it? How do I find joy and purpose even in the mundane?  What is my pearl- the one thing, or even the job that I would be willing to change everything in my life to obtain?