I have seen so many title headings, read lots of essays, asked a lot of questions to wise people, but I can’t find the answer to what I am supposed to do with my life.  So many say that what I am doing right now is what I am supposed to be doing, working full time at a manufacturer, being a mom, being a wife, volunteering for youth group.  But why do I feel unsettled?  When Chad got a job as a youth pastor, I got a job in the secular world- its the way it worked.  I have kept that role in order to provide insurance for my family.  I feel stuck.  I have prayed about this for many many years, and I guess God is still telling me, just wait.  I don’t like it.

There is a song by Shane and Shane, “I want to yearn for you, I want feel the passion, for you”  If I could, I would sit in worship and study all day.  I want to teach my boys more about Jonah, I want to share what I have learned from the study of scripture.  When I was ‘home’ with Tripp for three months, I was not consumed with the drama, the challenges, the daily grind at my work, and my mind was free to just trust, worship.  I didn’t have to worry if I was doing my job right, because I don’t feel like I have it wrong when I am doing my job of being a child of God.  Ok, maybe I do feel like I’ve got it wrong when I don’t feel content about what I am supposed to be doing.  I have been taught that I am supposed to be content where I am at, so I feel guilty every time I ask God, “What do you want from me.”

I have been doing a lot deeper searching, and found that I like to create.  I like to make something, or fix something.  I like to make things look beautiful.  I fulfill that desire by making bread, or making a meal for someone.  I fulfill that desire by remodeling my house, or dreaming of what I would do.  I fulfill that desire by writing.  I have searched deeply for what God has called me to do, but I have never written my thoughts down.

Do I live a life worthy of God’s work?  If someone looked at me, or listened to me, would they say, “now that’s a girl that loves Jesus”?  Sometimes I feel if I could hide at home,  I would not be tempted to gossip or be bitter.  But I am reminded that Satan would find someway to test and taught me no matter where I am at.  I Thess 4:11; “Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: you should mind your own business and work with your hands..”  Can I do this in the work place?  Can I do this where ever I am at?  Lord Help me!

Ephesians 4:1 NIV “As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.”  I am living my life, in the way I know best, but I do not feel like I am doing what I am supposed to, am I not living my life worthy of my calling?  What is it?   Phrases like “Bloom where you are planted” and “God does not call the able, he calls the willing” leave me with frustration and guilt. I want to be open to His calling when it happens, but my life is not- there are to many circumstances that require a paycheck and insurance.  I feel like I can’t ‘drop my nets’ and follow Jesus, learning from Him.  I feel guilt that I have lived my life in such a way that I am not free to drop everything for the Lord- that I have to much stuff to pay for.  If I was living more simply, I could just drop everything and go- I wish it was really that simple.

So, I am supposed to wait, I am to “Bloom where I am planted and wait for the Lord”  God’s timing is perfect.  He is preparing me for what he has planned.  Right now I need to be content, live the life that God has given me.  Moses grew up in such a way that when the time was ready, God could use him for his specific purpose.  If I’m waiting, knowing that God is preparing me, it makes going to work every day a little easier.

Yet I still feel so unsettled…